Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

image for The Three Abrahamic Religions to Battle It Out in a Cage Fight
Whose God is greater, mine or thine?

JERUSALEM--Settling, once and for all, the Old Testament challenge, "Whose God is greater, mine or thine?" the three Abrahamic religions--Judaism, Christianity, and Islam--will meet in a cage fight in Jerusalem next week. Three champions have been chosen from each of the three religions representing, as Muhammad put it, the "People of the Book."

Representing the oldest of the three Abrahamic religions, Judaism, will be Naftali "The Annihilator" Netanyahu, who is not only an ultimate fighter for Yahweh, but the nephew of Israel's current Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. Said Netanyahu of his two challengers: "Judaism is the greatest religion of all time! As for the two schmucks representing Christianity and Islam, I will fuck you up!"

Christianity's ultimate fighter is the Rev. Jason "The Pounder" Jackson. Rev. Jackson, a distant descendent of famed Confederate General Stonewall Jackson and a graduate of evangelical Bob Jones University, has been an active participant in ultimate fighting since he was seventeen years old, when he nearly demolished Shiva "the Destroyer" in a no-holds-barred cage fight back in 2002 in New Delhi. Boasted the evangelical soldier for Christ: "You wanna hear some good news? I'll give you some: I'm going to pound Judaism and Islam to a pulp when we meet next week in Jerusalem! Hallelujah, brothers!"

The champion representing the youngest of the three Abrahamic religions, Akbar "The Ass Kicker" Rahaman, is unfazed by the trash talk of his two challengers. All he had to say was, "My God is powerful and will annihilate all challengers to his majesty. Allahu Akbar!"

The cage fight will be fought to the death. Just about any kind of weapon will be permitted, except for sarin, automatic machine guns, and surface-to-air missiles, to protect the immediate audience at the mega event. Cable giant Monovision has bought the broadcasting rights to the event.

The winner of the cage fight, the lone challenger left standing, will be permitted to declare his religion the one, true form of monotheism worldwide, in addition to winning a two-week, all expenses-paid vacation to Dubai for him and his family.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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