Washington, DC-- The post office has begun a new program to find out information about Americans' sexual orientation. The federal government wants to know how many gay people there are in the country so it can better service sexual minorities. Letter carriers across the country are knocking on doors this week, asking questions that most people still consider very personal
The new program was invented by Nancy Pelosi, a congresswoman from California.
"Well, everybody gets mail, so it seems like the natural place to start." said Representative Nancy Pelosi. "We're all adults here, so what's the problem??" she inquired.
Letter carriers have been instructed to ask different questions to different people, depending on their sex.
If an adult male answers, letter carriers ask if the gentleman ever engages in oral or anal sex with other men, how often, and if it's 'enjoyable'.
If an adult woman answers the door, letter carriers ask the lady if she's ever engaged in oral sex with another woman, and if she flosses her teeth before or after sex.
Many people feel the questions are too intrusive:
"I answered the door for the mailman expecting a package. The next thing I know we're discussing cunnilingus." said Miss Vicky Smegma. "What is cunnilingus??" asked the 89 year old spinster.
Ms. Pelosi disagreed that the questions were too personal. Instead, she proudly displayed a pink triangle. Ms. Pelosi explained that anyone who completes the post office inquiry will receive 100 pink triangles that they can put on their cars, clothing and personal belongings.
Ms. Pelosi noted the pink triangles were 'cute', and just like the ones the National Socialist Party handed out in Germany to gay people during the 1930s.
"Hope you like your pink triangles!" chirped Ms. Pelosi. "We are from the federal government and are here to help!"