Abington, PA- Local resident, Steven Mayer, of Abington, Pennsylvania, awoke this morning with a renewed sense of anticipation and vigor. "I was able to turn off the alarm a minute before 6:00," reported the 32 year old Mayer, who works as a daytime supervisor at the Panera Bread in Willow Grove. "With the load of bullshit I got on my plate today, I was like, 'Hell yeah! Let's get this fucking day over with.'"
It's true. Steven's "plate full of bullshit" today includes numerous callouts by employees where Steven will have to be the Panera man of many hats. "Not only will I have to be preparing those bread-bowl soups, but I am also going to have to man the register."
While at the register, Steven will also be subjected to an expired coupon fiasco brought about by a retired war veteran, where Steven will look like quite the insensitive asshole.
"Oh, man, he's going to be in his uniform and everything," groaned Steven. "People are going to look at me like I'm the fucking devil," he told reporters while hurrying along his breakfast, eager to get the day started. "The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over, right?"
But that is only the hellish aspect of Steven's workday. While arriving home, he will spot another car taking the spot next to his wife's car.
"Great. Did one of Chrissie's ditzo friends get dumped again?" Sadly, no, this is far worse. "Oh, shit. Are…are her fucking parents in town? Of course they are!"
Yes, Chrissie's parents are in town and they won't be staying at a hotel. "I know why, too," Steven said in closing, "Because they hate me. They fucking hate me, and I hate today. Just a couple more hours of justifying my existence to them and I can go to sleep and start the day over again." Steven's head then collapsed on the steering wheel, causing a prolonged honking of the horn, announcing his arrival home.