Rome - Snubbed by The Holy Father, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio had a private audience with The Godfather on the first day of his Italian vacation. The meeting paid off immediately, with the mob boss agreeing to take over the operation of the New York Police Department.
The outsourcing deal couldn't have come at a better time. As of late, the nation's biggest municipal police force has been exhibiting signs of being out of control.
"The mayor is a good Christian man, but he is dealing with forces he can't understand when he tries to boss around an organized group of violent thugs," Godfather Giuseppe Avellino said. "And that's just the NYPD. God forbid he tries to go after the Mafia."
Under the outsourcing agreement, the NYPD will continue its primary mission of ensuring that billions of dollars worth of drugs continues to flow freely both within and around New York City.
"This is community policing at its finest," a spokesman for the mayor said. "The community wants its drugs. The NYPD make sure it gets them without interruption. Just as long as prohibition keeps the prices artificially high, we can keep all the junkies narcoticly high."
Under the outsourcing pact, cops will be encouraged not to congregate in and around donut shops, and gravitate to pizza joints instead. "We have a heritage, a legacy, to protect here," The Godfather said. "Whether it's 5 kilos of heroine or a couple of loosy cigarettes, we're going to get our cut, or else."
The mayor has already asked a special favor from his crime boss. "He wants the carriage horses out of Central Park," the Godfather said. "It would not surprise me if a certain group of New Yorkers wake-up with heads in their beds tomorrow morning."