San Francisco - First Lady Michelle Obama has unveiled her latest plans for getting the nation to adopt her healthy eating guidelines and this one might hurt a bit.
After tackling the country's school lunch program and transforming it into a train wreck, Mrs. Obama now wants to shame adult customers in America's supermarkets into choosing healthier foods when they do their grocery shopping.
Under the First Lady's new 'You'll be Healthy if it Kills You' initiative, the government will hire nuns to hang out in grocery stores around the country and walk alongside shoppers as they gather their food items.
When a shopper attempts to pick up an item deemed unhealthy by the government, the nun will slap their wrist firmly with a ruler as the shopper starts to put the item in their shopping cart.
Stage Two of the initiative will involve forcing supermarkets to purchase new, high tech shopping carts which will be programmed to recognize unhealthy foods and, if a shopper tries to but said item into the cart, the cart will announce over the stores intercom system the shopper's name, their weight, and the name of the offending item.
The new high tech shopping carts will only cost stores $25,000 each but if the store agrees to force all their employees to enroll in Obamacare they will receive a $100 discount on each cart purchased.
Recognizing that some Americans are simply belligerent, Stage Three of the program will monitor those customers who do not succumb to the first two stages of shaming and, if they continue to try to put unhealthy items into the cart, the cart will be equipped to zap them with a built-in taser.
Some shoppers have recoiled at the news of the new program and have vowed to do their grocery shopping on the black market, but that would be racist.
The nation is lucky to have such a caring First Lady who is willing to make decisions for those of us who are too stupid to choose what's best for us on our own.
As a reminder, choice only applies to whether or not you want to have a baby, nothing else. You're welcome.