Written by queen mudder
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Sunday, 13 July 2014

image for Rescue drama as tidal surge of algal bloom swamps Starbucks CEO's Hamptons beachfront
Oh no, something's superglued Grandpa to the deckchair, Mommy...

Long Island, NY - Long Island Pest Control lifeboats were out in force this weekend when a red tide of algal bloom slimed the beach at Howard Schultz's Gracie Lane teardown bringing phytoplanktonic chaos (WTF dat? - 'Ed') to the East Hampton spread.

Marine first responders fought for hours using laser-guided cutting equipment to free Mr Schultz from a beachside deckchair covered in the hexoplasm-like gunk.

The billionaire Starbucks chain owner had just been relaxing oceanside with a little postprandial nap when the sudden algal surge struck from the deep.

According to witness reports the blooms are caused by bioluminescent dinoflagellates 'like Noctiluca scintillans' which harden to a glue-like substance within seconds of exposure to the searing sun.

This evening Mr Schultz was back home from East Hampton Emergency Room where he'd been treated for sucker-like burns.

Surgeons suspect microscopic jellyfish may also have been lurking in the invading algal bloom whose sudden flowering under the waxing Thunder - or Buck - Full Moon is something of a legend around South Fork.

The price of a Montauk frappuccino remains five bucks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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