Written by David Ayrshire
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Thursday, 10 July 2014

In a recent move to win support of the increasingly racist white population, the U.S. government has decided to celebrate Throwback Thursday by resegregating the American population for a period of 24 hours this Thursday.

States have been instructed to fund the implementation of new water fountains in public schools that are divided by White and Colored; restaurants have been told to only accept white patrons, citing a new mantra: "No Shirt, No Shoes, No White Hue, No Service"; and policemen will be sure to profile potential criminals racially more than ever.

California Senator Barbara Boxer defended the move in a press release, stating "we had almost run out of ideas for how to dishonor the late Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. And then we thought of this great idea, and we're right back to showing why King's dream was just a dream."

Thousands of Americans are preparing for the day across the nation. Speaking on behalf of the Southern states, representative David Caldwell expressed the South's adamance that this reinstitution of segregation be permanent, lest they rebel again and start a second Civil War. In preparation for what will undoubtedly go down in history books as "an incredibly stupid act, even for the South," the Southern states have elected George W. Bush to lead them into battle. When asked for an interview, Bush reportedly ran and hid inside his treehouse.

Others are not so enthusiastic about the idea. Sheila Davison of Montana protested that this is probably just Obama's last-ditch effort to raise his approval ratings among the white population. She did say, however, that she plans to withhold her judgment this Thursday so that the police don't hose her for being a "sympathizer."

"It's just so fucking dumb," continued the pale-as-paper Davison. "We can't judge people by their color. That's the blackest level of racism. Just because they can't do math as well as Asians and because they tend to lead far more ghetto lives than us perfect whites doesn't make them worse people."

At press time, Davison exclaimed her frustration that she'll have to find someone else to sit on the bus with this Thursday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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