Written by Zabdgrov667
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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

image for Environmentalists Boldly Demand Obama to "Nuke the Coal"
Nukes - the solution to Coal and Global Warming.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Thousands of protestors in California gathered for public awareness on the threat of coal. "Imminent and complete extinction of all life on the planet" could occur before the next election if drastic measures are not taken, or something really bad at least, claimed the lead researcher for the federally funded "Scientific Carbon Rejection and Earth Extinction Defense" (SCREED). While most of the organization's reports have simply been tedious, disjoint, and nebulous warnings of Global Warming, their most recent report was "Balls-to-the-Wall, Infinite Panic Frenzy."

Pundits in the Washington DC area are claiming that the EPA commissioned this report to justify its recent efforts to wield absolute power through regulation of everything within six degrees of separation to Carbon. However, others believe that President Obama's political consultants want to use Global Warming protests in a media blitz to "distract from everything else", such as Unconstitutional Executive Actions (appointments without Senate advice and consent) being rejected 9-to-0 by the US Supreme Court.

Regardless of where the idea originated from, San Francisco has been covered with "Nuke the Coal" protest signs, billboards, and public service announcements. One likely reason is that it addresses two issues at once. Coal is obvious because of the never-ending press coverage; however, if President Obama were to use the American atomic weapons as a solution to Carbon, then peace activists would not have to worry about the US engaging in Nuclear War (ipso-facto, vis-a-vis, World Peace Forever). By strange coincidence, Obama seems to hint that he is ready to "take action" for the Environmentalists.

Barack Obama (US President): I'm not going to wait for Congress, failing to blindly pass laws without reading them. I've got a pen, and I've got a phone. And I can use that pen to sign executive orders. Not only that, I've got about 4,000 atomic bombs. I won ... TWICE! I Double-Dare Boehner to sue me. You think you can sic that Bee-yatch Supreme Court on me? I punch the Red Button in my office. You'll wish you never crossed me. We're playin' Chicago rules now.

US media outlets downplayed the remarks, saying that Obama "has no other choice," and adding how people should be grateful for being saved from oceans rising 600 feet and summer high temperatures exceeding 1400 degrees F. As one journalist asked, "if you could save the polar ice caps and the rest of the world by launching 4000 nukes, why wouldn't you do it?" Of course, only launching the nuclear warheads against American coal mines and power plants will not be enough. Other major Carbon-emission sites which use coal are located in China and India. Detonating over 1000 Mega-ton Atomic Bombs among these two nations will require diplomacy of the highest order to preserve peaceful relations with them, but Secretary of State John Kerry has reassured the press of how having a Nobel Peace Prize winner on our side will really pay off this time.

Many in the Green Movement are very excited. After half a century of viewing the Atomic Bomb as evil incarnate, the "flower children" of the 21st century can learn to love "The Bomb."

Jewelia Moon Strangelove (Lava-Lamp Vendor): It's so cool. Obama can bring peace to the world by letting thousands of nuke missiles fly. If he had a million nukes, we could have a million times as much peace. Like, totally cool peace, and the polar bears would be singing, and like we would hold hands with them.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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