Written by Chris Hanson
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Tuesday, 21 November 2006

image for Paris Hilton Naked, Baseball, Crime, Iraq, and Free Range Chickens

BALTIMORE, WASHINGTON, LOS ANGELES, BOSTON -- (MAY 3, 2007) Baseball met bedlam in Baltimore yesterday as the Oriels beat the Red Sox 2-0 while a mob torched eight square blocks of row houses near Fells Point, about two miles from Camden yards stadium.

This reporter had to cover both events simultaneously and wrap them together in one story due to dramatic budget and staff cuts imposed on The Eclipse by its owner, The Tribune Company.

Meanwhile, President Bush blamed the Democratic Congress for the full-scale civil war in Iraq in which American troops are effectively fighting for and against each side.

The Supreme Court ruled that Vermont's law banning sale of all but free range chickens was unconstitutional.

This reporter had to dash from Baltimore to Washington to cover these events because our Washington bureau has been abolished in an economy move.

Meanwhile, socialite Paris Hilton was in seclusion in Beverly Hills after suffering a head blow while tussling naked with the live-in girlfriend of her current beau, guitarist Guido Wiley of the Spastic Puppet heavy metal rock group.

This reporter had to telephone sources in Los Angeles to confirm details of the Hilton flap because no other journalist was on duty due to newspaper staff and budget cuts imposed by The Tribune Company.

Meanwhile, a Harvard Business Review study found that managers who cut staff without scaling back production goals can expect to fail while damaging the physical and mental health of the remaining workers.

This reporter was assigned to read the study and fold it into his story on baseball, crime, the Iraq war, chicken production, and Paris Hilton because this newspaper no longer has a business page.

This reporter prides himself on bringing the truth to a free people but is becoming . . . DWAAK! GROOT! Cuckoo for Cocoa-puffs! Ribbet! Ah-OOO-Gah!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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