Written by Lyndon
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Tuesday, 1 July 2014

image for 67% of all happy Facebook updates posted by people with miserable lives, study
Will Crawfield returns to his lonely crossword after posting, "Shooting some hoops with my buds."

HARFOLD, Vt. - A study released this week by Harfold State College indicates that at least two out of every three happy Facebook status updates are posted by pathetic sons-of-bitches with miserable lives.

Junior Bertrand Russell produced his Facebook page on his iPhone with the update: "Out with the boys enjoying some much deserved brews." When pressed on the issue, though, Russell admitted that there hadn't been any brews and there weren't really any boys.

"But back in Maine," countered Russell, "nobody knows that, do they?"

Subject two was no different. Despite her recent cheery post ("Getting my nails down with the other crazy bitches from 4th floor Douglas Hall"), sophomore Alice Grab sat with non-painted nails eating dried-out pound cake.

"There are a couple of essays due over the next month that I could probably get started on tonight."

Junior Will Crawfield, however, appeared happy, almost manic. "No, I'm just getting a quick bite here cuz the guys are waiting for me at the gym."

Despite presenting Crawfield with testimony from other students including Russell and Grab, Crawfield would not admit that he was really little more than a lonely drunken asshole.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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