Written by King David
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Saturday, 18 November 2006

image for Florida Resident Wins Mrs. Senior America Contest
Mrs. Senior America is hotly contested, with hundreds of beauties like this

NAPLES - A Florida resident won the Mrs. Senior America Contest yesterday after she swept all three rounds. In a unanimous decision, judges nominated Mrs. Viola Kazerinski, mother of three children and 10 grandchildren, as the winner of this year's contest.

Contestants had to compete on three levels in order to reach the final round. They were judged on their ability to answer questions concerning medical insurance, social security, volunteering in the community, their grandchildren, and where the best place in town to get a cup of coffee and a biscuit was.

The winner of this year's contest, Mrs. Kazerinski, will be flown to the Sudan where she will work for one year with the people of that country helping them to restore peace and become a self-sufficient nation.

"Community development is always one of the cornerstones of the contest," said spokesperson Snitka Mygosh. "Contestants feel strongly about it and so we want it to be the heart of the contest."

This differs entirely from the theme of the regular Miss America contest in which contestant winners are sent cursorily to the third world as emissaries of beauty, good will and grace, but are really queen peddlers of beauty products for American companies.

"We here in American have created a standard for beauty that is par excellence that we want to share with the world," spokesperson Bob Vanity for the regular Miss America contest said.

"We noticed in National Geographic that the people in Africa, particularly those in tribes, still paint their faces and so we wanted to help them by demonstrating a few of our own face paints," he was reported as saying.

When asked about what she plans to do with her new found notoriety, Mrs. Kazerinski said that in addition to helping people in the Sudan, she was going to work diligently on reforming the nation's health care and social security systems right here at home.

"Here in American, we need another 'New Deal'," she told reporters.

For those that don't remember, or who were sleeping through the lecture on the 1930's, the "New Deal" was a government program instituted under the FDR administration that was designed for a failed American economy to stimulate new jobs for the American people and create a social security system.

She said that she wasn't sure what his motives were, but had already been contacted by the president to request her help.

"In the past, winners of the contest have done very remarkable things to help the public welfare," said spokesperson Rita Sutherland.

"They're a very politically active group. But they drink so much damned coffee and are up several times during the night!" she said.

One of the perks of becoming Mrs. Senior America is also the opportunity to pick up contracts with beauty aid products such as White Lightening Face Caulk, Weatherizer solar hearing aid batteries, Rolaids, Mary Fake Cosmetics, Elmer's denture adhesives and It Depends for incontinence(on how many cups of coffee).

Mrs. Lathan said that "she would do anything but drive around in one of those pink Cadillacs."

But spokespersons for Mary Fake said that they have "changed with the times" and are now promoting their beauty products with pink Hybrids instead of the Cadillacs.

Mrs. Lathan will leave tomorrow for the Sudan.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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