In an early morning press conference today in Rochester, Minnesota, the Mayo Clinic announced the results of its study of LYOF.
The study titled: The heartbreak of LYOF (Loving your own farts) and sub-titled: Mankinds infatuation wirh flatulation, the study reveals in detail this long hidden pyschosis that effects every adult human being in the civilized world rregardless of race, creed or station in society. The study was conducted over a five year period and consisted of ten thousand interviews. The participants were guaranteed anonymity because of the personal and delicate nature of the subject matter.
Dr. T. J. McCorkle PHD, spokesman for the clinic and coordinator of the study,stood at the podium and was surrounded by members of his staff. He began with a smile and a quip: "Like the subject matter of our study, we feel it is better to have the results out there and in the open rather than silent and deadly. As my dear mother (Maxine Clare Levinger McCorkle)use to say: "Better out in the wide, wide world than in your little tummy!" What happens under the covers doesn't necessarily stay under the covers and the fact of the matter is that most humans enjoy their own flatulence in private but will deny its very existence if in the presence of others! On the other hand, if this beloved child of our loins exhibits itself in a crowded elevator, we treat it as a bastard child of another and glare at everyone else in the crowded space for bringing this embarrassment to our attention."
Dr. McCorkle paused smiled at the assembled journalists and began again, "But here is the good news: Here at the Clinic we don't just find problems, we find solutions. With generous funding from our federal government (Titled: No Fart Left Behind),we have developed a pill that takes the foul out of flatulence and changes it to Febreze! On the other hand, one can still enjoy this forbidden friend if one so desires and the frantic flapping of the sheets is still an option if your significant other is about to enter the room. Of course, there are rare side effects to the pill but they are rare indeed and should not impact the tremendous sales potential of the drug. These side effects seem to direct the foul in flatulence to the areas of the eyes, ears, nose and throat and other than sneezing in a crowded elevator, they should cause few problems.I have taken the drug myself and can attest, with authority, its safety and effectiveness!"
As McCorkle finished his remarks, he gave a gratified smile towards his staff, covered his mouth with one hand and coughed lightly. The Associated Press reports that at this point several members of his staff covered their faces and ran gasping and retching from the stage.