HIGH HORSE, WYOMING -- Former Vice President Dick Cheney is sharply criticizing President Obama for failing to invade Miley Cyrus, saying her crimes against decent conservative clothing and stockpiling sex toys of mass penetration demand action.
"The only pubic hairs I want to see are the ones on my bathroom floor after I trim up to put my Speedo on," Cheney wrote in an op-ed piece for Tiger Beat magazine.
Cheney said Obama has failed to enforce any of the sensible fashion requirements for young ladies established during the Bush Administration.
"Rarely has a president allowed such apparel atrocities to be perpetrated against the female vagina," said Cheney. "Cover that thing up, like Elisabeth Hasselbeck does. It should just appear for special occasions, like bi-annual marital intercourse and post-mortem medical research."
Cheney said the White House needs to engage in forceful talks with Cyrus, laying out a withdrawal plan for her vibrators and butt plugs.
"The American people are outraged and disgusted by such blatant displays of body cavity warfare," said Cheney. "What if Betsy Ross had stuck our
flag up her honey pot as part of some cheap showmanship routine."
Cyrus also should be ordered to release Robin Thicke, who is being illegally detained between her thighs, and sign a decency accord in which she agrees to wear a prim button-up shirt that covers her cleavage entirely, nice slacks, a proper blazer or sweater, all in neutral colors, and sensible flat shoes, accentuated with a modest strand of pearls and a pretty print scarf, Cheney said.
"And no dildos. You cannot negotiate that point at all!"