Washington D.C. - The Republican Party released a statement today conceding the 2016 Presidential election to the Democratic Party. GOP Chairman Reince Priebus first released a written statement at 8 a.m. EST, then two hours later spoke at a press conference outside a Dave & Buster's in Kensington, MD.
Priebus opened the conference with a short statement before taking questions from the gathered media.
Said Priebus, "First, I want to congratulate the Democrat's presidential candidate, whoever that proves to be. The Democratic Party ran a superb campaign, in which all they had to do was stand back as we, the GOP, talked ourselves into miserable defeat. Their campaign was smart and effective, whereas ours was offensive and alienating to the majority of voters, especially ethnic groups like Hispanics, Blacks and White folk, and particular demographic groups such as everyone who doesn't own an automatic weapon."
At that point a group of demonstrators holding signs supporting the NRA began booing and firing automatic weapons into the air. The group dispersed when they were confronted by several people with Master's Degrees, wielding calculus textbooks and back issues of The Economist.
Priebus then checked his watch and spoke into a microphone which he believed to be turned off. He can clearly be heard saying "Oh man, still 15 minutes before D and B's opens? I am SO craving some potato skins and I want to be the first one on that tank game. Do you still have my weed?"
The Democratic candidate who wins the 2016 Presidential election will reportedly thank the GOP for "just being themselves" and for "giving a new definition to the word 'teabagging'."