THE BOTTOMLESS PIT, WHEELING, WV -- While many believe a report that Charles Manson will be paroled is just a hoax, we have learned from a source (Manson's third cousin's ex-wife's deported housekeeper Rosalita) who spoke on the condition of anonymity (we lied to her, don't judge us) that the 79-year-old cult leader will in fact be released from prison and return to the Ohio Valley, where he briefly lived as a child, to serve as downtown Wheeling's most colorful indigent rascal.
"We've heard reports that he already has rented a shopping cart from Kroger to use for transportation and purchased a large shipping box from FedEx to set up housing quarters on the waterfront," said Wheeling Mayor Andy McKenzie.
The mayor said social service officials could secure temporary housing for Manson at the public library but that might frighten the other psychopaths and mass murderers who inhabit the place.
"We don't want him interrupting story time for the pre-K kids with some helter skelter ranting and raving about the Book of Revelation," said McKenzie. "We get enough of that when the bishop speaks at Lunch With Books."
Manson lived for a short time as a youth with an aunt and uncle in McMechen, where his childhood friend, Skitch Dahmer, still resides.
Dahmer remembers some of their shenanigans, including the time the two ate old lady Wilson's kidneys.
"Charlie loved to play pranks, like the time he exploded fireworks in my esophagus. I've been tube-feeding ever since then."
While authorities in Wheeling would keep an eye on Manson, there's little they could do, other than detaining him on suspicion of vagrancy or eating old man Johnson's liver, said McKenzie.
"If he wipes out 40 or 50 people at Waterfront Wednesdays, we'll be ready to act."