Vapor Lock, Virginia - The US government can expect a 100% voter turnout for the 2016 Presidential Election. The reason: Democracy is going digital.
America's two surveillance powerhouses - the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Agency - are joining forces to fully automate the voting process.
That means all Americans can sleep through Election Day, while the system does the balloting for them.
Welcome to Central Casting. It's modeled after a meth lab because its designer watches too much TV. But instead of cooking up pharmaceuticals, this bunker is heating up presidential politics.
"Forget about voter registration, getting to the polls, and dealing with antiquated voting machines. That's History Channel material," says Jimmy Clapoff, Director of National Intelligence and Homeland Sincerity. "In the 21st century, automation rules. It takes care of the entire process for every citizen."
The Central Casting app runs on the NSA's massive computer systems and feasts on the tons of digital data that NSA continuously collects from the American population. "In goes the data and out comes the candidate each citizen prefers," Clapoff explains.
"People laughed at our motto: 'Collect everything.' They take it more seriously when it's engraved on the wall of a prison waiting room."
The wheelhouse of Central Casting is driven by probability mathematics and vintage whiskey sour recipes. "We recombine metadata with the content of private emails and phone conversations, and shake well. The result is a high 'trendency', with probable accuracy."
Nuancing even further, the application adds PETAdata and NUTRAdata to its digital election profiles. That way, aspects such as pet preferences and eating habits can factor into each individual vote. At last, a balanced diet.
But what about funding? As if on cue, a twin set of elderly brothers walk in. One is carrying a rather large, expensive looking briefcase. He deposits it on the receptionist's desk, and they depart. Suddenly, the polling trends shoot away from the improbable. Things are making sense. The votes are being counted. Looks like a landslide.
"Of course, if folks want to vote the old-fashioned way, we will provide them with a paper ballot," Clapoff says. "They can use it to elect an analog president or to wipe their a**. Election Day is all about choices."
Asked if his agency is overstepping its mandated function with Central Casting, the surveillance chief protests: "Without this program, we would have no need for all the trillions of pieces of personal data we collected on the American public. That would be criminal."
Former intelligence head Michael Hidin' Hayden agrees. "The CIA has been rigging elections all over the world for decades. Now we're home. What could be more patriotic than casting a vote for a fellow American?"
"Casting votes for millions of Americans," replies Clapoff. "It's time for another batch. But first, let's have a peek inside that briefcase."