Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: NRA, Wayne LaPierre

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

image for Gunfight at Open Carry Corral
Tex "Small Sack" O'Laury is expected to survive, family members lament.

SAN ANTONIA, TX--A gunfight today broke out between the leader of the Open-Carry Movement, Tex "Small Sack" O'Laury, and the CEO of the National Rifle Association, Wayne "Wacko" LaPierre. The gunfight erupted after a spokesperson for the NRA called Open-Carry advocates, who were showing up at family restaurants with assault rifles strapped over their shoulders, "weird" and "scary."

Both men, well-armed with Glock pistols, AR-15 assault rifles, and Bowie knives (which neither one employed, for obvious reasons), shot at each other for nearly eight minutes in the parking lot of a San Antonio Chipotle restaurant. Both men were shot numerous times in the arms, legs, and lower and upper torsos, but neither of them was killed, partly due to the Kevlar helmets and vests they were wearing. However, seven people--including three customers in the restaurant and four local pedestrians--were killed in the altercation.

One of the deceased was heard to gasp, right before she died, "Guns don't kill people, but crazy fucks with guns do!"

Both O'Laury and LaPierre are, unfortunately, expected to survive.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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