Written by Michael Balton
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Monday, 2 June 2014

image for Spy vs. Spy: Poison Shortage Triggers Suicide Crisis
A young operative practices his craft.

Washington, DC - One of spying's essentials - the cyanide capsule - is in such short supply that a dangerous suicide backlog is developing at the CIA, the NSA, the Secret Service and other federal surveillance agencies.

"Anyone assigned to spy for the United States is supposed to be issued an L-pill containing a lethal dose of liquid potassium cyanide," said Jimmy Clapoff, Director of National Intelligence and Homeland Stupidity.

"If anything goes wrong with their mission, they just have to bite open the capsule and in 10 seconds, they sound like George Bush doing an impersonation of Elmer Fudd. And after 10 more seconds, they are ready to be planted in the Rose Garden, without having spilled their secrets."

But the poison party is becoming a victim of its own popularity. "Unfortunately, we've had so many mission failures in recent years, that we don't have enough cyanide to go around."

The 9/11 attacks, the weapons of mass destruction botch job, losing track of jumbo aircraft, fighting wars with deadlines, and drawing borders without wars are missteps that have prompted a record number of agents to take a trip down the cyanide highway.

"Many of our boomer agents were supposed to retire and pass their capsules along to the next generation of operatives," the intelligence director noted. "Instead, they decided to self medicate."

Stopgap measures are being adopted. "Until we can get more cyanide, we're giving one group of rookies powerful laxative capsules. The results from that one are about to hit the fan."

"We're also working on new ways to suspend consciousness temporarily," Clapoff noted. Listening to a John Kerry briefing has been found to do the trick. So has attending a Mets game.

Meanwhile, each spy agency has developed its own solution to the suicide squeeze. The CIA is staging Vietnam era helicopter attacks on agents who have worn out their welcome. And the Secret Service has purchased knives from the Swiss Army. Operatives are being instructed how to use them to whittle themselves to death.

In a related development, NSA officials are lying to Congress in a series of closed-door committee and subcommittee hearings. Kool-Aid is being served.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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