Washington DC (STT News) - The US stands on the brink of a hot darkness if a new law that would basically destroy the coal industry and shut down power plants across the nation, is put into action.
Speaking from the Oval Office, President Orwell stated that such would contribute to the proof of Global Warming by removing ice from millions of freezers across the nation. Other restrictions will also be put into place, such as outlawing cook-outs, fireplaces and bonfires as well as the banning of livestock such as cattle, horses, goats and sheep. "These animals burp more methane into our precious, delicate atmosphere than those who fart after eating at Taco Bell."
Press Secretary Jaybird Carnage added, "The Orwellian agenda is to create a situation where, even if we don't have electricity or food, we can still breath clean air before we either freeze to death in January or die of starvation."
To prevent the public from simply ignoring worthless presidential edicts from his Holy Pen, Orwell will send his orders down to the Enforced Political Agitators (EPA) where they will begin overseeing the shutdown sequence. This will also help legitimize the purchase of some 370 million rounds of ammunition by this formerly passive agency and keep local funeral homes busy as well as assuring that favored coroners remain in office.
President Orwell will text his decree to the EPA, by way of his blessed phone, sometime between now and mid July. Businesses in states with coal-fired power plants are advised to hire people off the street and give them palm branches to flap in place of air conditioning during the summer months.