Written by E. Williams
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Saturday, 31 May 2014

Washington, D.C. - 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation.

Carney, who now plans to finish high school and grow a moustache to try to make himself look older, was surprised by the ass-whoopin' he suffered at the hands of the door, and was thoroughly embarrassed as the event unfolded in front of the laughing, White House press pool.

Ed Henry, a reporter from Fox News, had just jokingly remarked, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" to Carney as he turned to leave the room when the incident began.

Carney reportedly glanced back at Henry, gave him a smirk, and started to flip him off. Then, Carney turned his head forward only to be met by the door hitting him square in the forehead, stunning him and nearly knocking him unconscious.

The door then continued to lay into Carney like a lion into a lamb and pummeled the hapless spokesman dozens of times before he even knew what was happening.

Carney never landed a punch during the exchange while the door used its doorknob to deliver several particularly nasty blows to various parts of Carney's body.

The reporters in the press pool were laughing so hysterically at the beating that it took nearly two minutes for several of them to regain their composure enough to pull the door off Carney and end the carnage.

Once Jay regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, he said he didn't remember much of what happened and wasn't sure why the door opened such a big can of whoop-ass on him.

As of this writing, the door has not returned our calls for comment and Ed Henry has remained quiet as to whether he had paid off the door to administer the smackdown on Jay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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