Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Friday, 30 May 2014

image for Republican Contract on America 2014

WASHINGTON, D.C.--As Obstructionist Members of the House of Representatives and as citizens seeking to join that august body, we propose not just to change its policies, but even more important, to restore the bonds of trust between the well-paid lobbyists and their selected representatives.

That is why, in this era of unending obstructionism and posturing, we offer more of the same, but blame it all on that uppity black guy that we've been attacking every chance we get since 2008. This year's election offers the chance, after several years of one-party obstructionism, to bring to the House an even bigger majority that will make sure that Congress no longer works at all. That historic change would be the end of government as we've known it now for at least a hundred and fifty years. It can be the beginning of a Congress that respects the values and shares the faith of the Tea Party members that have moved the GOP to the right of Genghis Kahn.

Unlike Lincoln, our first Republican president, we intend to ignore the "better angels of our natures," and to make the word "compromise" a thing of the past. To quote our esteemed colleague Rep. Marlin Stutzman on the government shutdown in 2013, "We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

On the first day of the 113th Congress, the new Republican majority will immediately pass the following major reforms, aimed at restoring the faith and trust of our paid lobbyists in the government they purchased:

  • FIRST, require all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply selectively to the Congress;
  • SECOND, select a major, right-leaning auditing firm to conduct a slanted audit of the Obama Administration for waste, fraud or Benghazi.
  • THIRD, Benghazi. Did we say Benghazi yet?
  • FOURTH, make campaign finance reform an anachronism of an earlier age. (Oh, wait, we already did that. Scratch that.)
  • FIFTH, require committee meetings to be chaired by one of the owners of the Republican Party, David or Charles Koch;
  • SIXTH, require a snowball in hell to pass a tax increase of any kind, but especially one to fund education or school lunch programs. Fuck it: Let's just make local school levies illegal. (We can do that, right, Antonin Scalia? Isn't there something in the Constitution about that?);
  • SEVENTH, Make FOX News the official news agency of the United State government, once we rewrite the First Amendment.
  • EIGHTH, Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi. Obamascare Obamascare Obamascare. Oh, yeah. And God Bless America, at least the part of it that votes Republican. The rest can go to hell.


Thereafter, within the first 100 days of the 113th Congress, we shall bring to the House Floor the following bills:

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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