Written by E. Williams
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Sunday, 25 May 2014

Isla Vista, CA - A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get "retribution", as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on one creature in particular: The Blonde Slut.

The Blonde Slut roams free in California and, at this time, is not on the endangered species list in that state. The latest census numbers put the population of the species in the millions.

While it is true the Blonde Slut has been responsible for much of the hurt, ridicule, drama, head games, boob jobs, and heartbreak that has taken place in the state, they can also be very loving, kind, sexy, unintelligent, wonderful people.

Hopefully, the authorities will see this case for what it is - a young man who couldn't get any and decided to make everyone else miserable with him. It is our hope the state does not do anything rash like ban Blonde Sluts from the state or put needless restrictions on them.

One fear is that legislators will limit the number of times a year a woman can dye her hair blonde, but then you have roots growing out and that's not good for anybody. In fact, some suggest doing so could wreck the state's stripping and cosmetology industries.

Police are reportedly looking into whether this was a hate crime since the killer stated in his YouTube video how he resented the fact that blondes have more fun than he did.

Authorities are also asking Blonde Sluts in California to try to act a little less slutty, but not too much less.

The young killer wanted to go out in a blaze of glory but will simply go down in history as the "Virgin Douchebag."

It is sad that a young man who obviously had some issues couldn't get help from a professional so this incident could have been avoided. However, when you make the decision to try to take out members of the highly-prized Blonde Slut species, you will not be fondly remembered.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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