Washington, D.C. - After an average day of spinning details of current events to make the President look good, no matter how bad the situation, White House spokesman, Jay Carney, needs practically an entire pharmacy to help him sleep at night.
Everybody has their secrets, lies, and half-truths that they wrestle with on a daily basis and many need a sleep aid to help them quiet the mind enough to get a decent night's sleep. But when you're knee-deep in your own bullshit every day, you need extra help.
At a recent interview, Carney admitted he's a walking pharmacological nightmare due to the daily routine of lying, deceit, spinning, covering-up, using circular logic, and answering questions with non-answers.
"Oh gosh, let me see, I'm on Oxycodone, Ambien, Lunesta, Meloxicam, Melatonin, and Unisom. And that's a regular night. When the BS gets really deep, I have to add a pitcher of chamomile tea and a huge turkey sandwich. Honestly, I don't even know what day it is. They just push me out there and I start talking."
"When I made my deal with the Devil," Carney continued, "He promised me lots of help to deal with my tiny conscience. Let's be honest, we all lie. But my level of lying to the American people to help the President is psychotic. It's like bullshit on steroids, which I'm also on. I get that. It's just my job."
"Once his presidency is over, I'll probably head to rehab to wean myself off some of these meds. Then, it will be off to years of therapy to try to reconcile how I can live with myself after misleading people all these years."
"I removed all the mirrors in my house and car years ago because I can't look at myself in them. I try to avoid them everywhere I can." Jay said.
When asked whether he was worried about the dangerous side effects of the huge array of medicines he takes on a daily basis, Carney replied, "Hey, in this economy, I'm just glad to have a job!"