TOOT TOOT, WHEELING, W.Va. -- The city Police Department is launching a new roadway safety checkpoint in which motorists will be randomly stopped to make sure they aren't driving with their heads up their asses.
"Keep your head out of your ass and your eyes on the road," said Wheeling Police Chief Shawn Schwertfeger. "The ass you save may be your own."
Recently released statistics from the Federal Highway Administration and the American Journal of Proctology show that 75 percent of Ohio Valley motorists have their heads up their asses at least 30 minutes or more weekly.
Another 15 percent have their heads between their legs, or someone else's, while operating motor vehicles, according to the statistics.
"Driving with your head up your ass may seem physically challenging, but a lot of drivers, especially amateur contortionists rockin' out to 'Back In Black' or 'You Shook Me All Night Long,' still seem to manage to do it," said Schwertfeger.
"It's becoming as much of an epidemic on our roadways as driving under the influence of alcohol, drugs or a Chinese buffet."
These distracted drivers also tend to ignore warnings from well-meaning motorists who have their heads and asses appropriately situated, he said
"If you hear someone yell, 'Hey, you must have your head up your ass!' then pull your head out and refocus on the road."
The offense is punishable by a stern, profanity-laced halftime tirade from an Ohio Valley high school football coach who always likes to stress, "Get your head out of your ass ladies!"
Schwertfeger said he's seen some extreme cases, in particular one in which Wheeling police recently pulled over Island resident Olga the Magnificent who while listening to "Highway To Hell" had her head so far up her ass that officers had to question her through her belly button.
"The worst I've ever seen," the chief said. "She registered a 1.0 HAC (Head up Ass Content). The fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to extract her head."