Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Topics: Crime, Violence, Ohio

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

SORRY 911 IS OUT OF SERVICE AGAIN, STEUBENVILLE, OHIO -- City council is discussing plans to initiate a monthly purge in which citywide crime of all sorts would be legal from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. the last day of each month.

"Probably wouldn't notice much difference in the crime rate on New Year's Eve anyway," said Mayor Domenick Mucci.

Steubenville has one of the highest crime rates since Old West Dodge City, with at least one saloon-goer gunned down every 15 minutes. So the solution seems simple: more crime.

Councilwoman Angela Suggs recommended residents be prepared for the purge by doing a few simple things -- deadbolt your doors, activate your surveillance systems, check your security alarm codes, put up protective bars on your windows, pull up the drawbridges on your moats, set your invisible force fields and most importantly of all, change the batteries in your barking dog simulators.

"Be alert, for the purge is coming," she said. "Basically what we're saying is, use the same due diligence you would every night."

Police Chief William McCafferty said the event may serve as a catharsis for law-abiding citizens to vent their negative emotions and repressed urges.

"I'm getting my hunting rifle and duck calls ready," said McCafferty. "I know my neighbor has just purchased a tank online from that place in Canada where they also sell Viagra and Cialis real cheap."

All police and emergency services will be suspended for the eight-hour period, much like they are when the Big Red high school football team has a beer and weed bash at the home of one of the parents, said Mucci.

"Don't bother calling Channel 9's Crime Busters either. I've been told they will not answer," the mayor said.

The desired effect of the purge, he said, would be an eventual decline in the crime rate.

"After a few thousand murders, home invasions, carjackings and flattened tires on Sheriff (Fred) Abdalla's cruiser, we would expect things to level off," said Mucci. "The criminal element tends to get bored and lazy very easily, so we expect they'll just want to stay home and play with all the electronics they've stolen or sell some of the organs they've harvested."

Mucci said purging has been effective in a number of cases, including after one of his Ben and Jerry's binges.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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