Written by E. Williams
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Wednesday, 14 May 2014

New York City - The New York City Visitor's Bureau has decided to begin handing out an annual award designed to reward a recipient, while at the same time alerting the public to a person who, should they see him or her in public, should be avoided at all costs. The first winner of the new award has been announced and the winner is Alec Baldwin.

Baldwin has built quite a reputation in 'The Big Apple' as someone who is always one remark away from becoming a mass murderer. His hair trigger temper is not to be toyed with as the beloved actor can explode without warning and without provocation. Simply asking if the actor is having a nice day can potentially land a person in full traction at the hospital.

Mr. Baldwin's (and we call him that with the utmost respect) latest episode resulted in an arrest after the funnyman was caught cycling the wrong way on a city street without an ID. He was outraged when one of NYC's finest presented him with a citation because he felt the officer should have known who he was without identification.

Past transgressions involve Baldwin shouting and calling his daughter names on a widely released voicemail message and nearly coming to blows with reporters on the city streets. His tantrums have become legendary and a brave few even consider it a badge of honor to be on the receiving end of one of his tirades.

Advice to visitors, should they encounter the loosely-hinged actor in public, includes jumping into the nearest taxi, dialing 911, employing the stop-drop-and roll technique, or playing dead. Be sure to alert others in your vicinity that the asshole is nearby.

Known as "The Bad Apple Award", the organization will name a winner each year who represents the very worst in New Yorkers and someone who most people would want to have a restraining order against. Next year's field is wide open but the front-runner at this time is rumored to be Mayor de Blasio.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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