Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 10 May 2014

image for 'Ban the birds' cry Central Park advocates
Pigeons in the park might soon be a thing of the past.

New York -- Now that the carriage horses are on the run, activists are taking aim on another group of animals that need to be rescued from Central Park.

A study by the nonexistent grassroots group Animal Advocates has found that the privacy rights of the birds living in the park are being violated.

The researchers contend that the feathered creatures are a major attraction for park visitors, yet they receive no compensation for having their lives scrutinized by strangers.

The problem is compounded by so-called birdwatchers, who use sophisticated surveillance equipment, such as high-power binoculars, to observe the birds' most intimate moments.

Animal Advocates is calling for a total ban on birds in Central Park. The group suggests relocating the birds to the underpopulated estuary that surrounds LaGuardia Airport as well as to the wetlands that encompass JFK.

"Of course, such an inviting environment might result in over population," an AA spokesman said. "But ultimately the jet engines should take care of that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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