HOME ROOM CONFINEMENT, BELLAIRE, OHIO -- Following the defeat of an operating levy for the eighth time in four years, the Bellaire Local School District has been forced to take the drastic measure of laying off all its high school teachers and replacing them with work release inmates from the Belmont Correctional Institution.
"I didn't graduate from high school but I gotta lot of knowledge from life, especially how to run and hide," said new History instructor Darrell "Blood Clot" Lancaster, who is serving 18 years for cutting his wife's nose off and feeding it to their chihuahua, Rico.
"We gonna get these punks scared straight in no time, so their parents and families will go out and pass a levy."
Using violent offenders as teachers is not a novel idea, said Superintendent Tony Scott. In fact, nearly 75 percent of all Physical Education instructors nationally have served time for failing to register as a repressed ex-high school jock with an affinity for nude push-ups, he said.
School district residents rejected a 5.91-mill levy for five years Tuesday night, marking the eighth levy defeat in four years. The voters' action has backed the administration into a corner, stuck a blade into its gut and said unspeakable things about its mother while it dies, said Scott.
"There's really no other choice," said Scott. "The state is letting us use these guys for free, and they're not allowed to carry weapons --except for textbooks -- nor can they shake down students for lunch money or the cigarettes they're concealing in their hoodies."
Joaquin "Laser Sight" Durrell is the new Technology instructor. He has experience in the field, since he's stolen a variety of electronics, including tablets, computers, smart phones and his grandfather's dialysis machine.
"Gotta put food on the table," he said. "These kids are gonna learn a lot from me, including places where you can hawk stuff without having an ID and how to hide a big screen in your basketball shorts."
Scott said that while providing a quality education is still priority one for the district, students may have to scale back their career expectations.
"We may find that a lot of them just staying in high school until they're 22 instead of going to college."