Washington DC - Islamist kidnappers Boko Haram were the top suspects today when Malia and Sasha Obama's armor plated school run ground to a halt amid reports of a stalker tailing the five-car motorcade.
Luckily the perpetrator turned out to be some sadass 57 year-old local DC jerk and not a member of the highly publicised Nigerian abduction cabal that's wreaking havoc in West Africa.
The incident sparked an immediate security review with Barack Obama demanding the latest CIA intel about a plot to target the girls' school, Sidwell Fiends - uh, Friends!.
The Quaker school is the DC alma mater of previous presidential children including Chelsea Clinton, Julie Nixon and Beyoncé Gore (who dat? 'Ed').
This afternoon extra precautions were being put in place at the school compound after some 'very helpful' data was posted on the internet assessing the combined net worth of students' families at a staggering $20 billion.
Boko Haram has already demanded millions of dollars in ransom from indigenous Nigerians following the capture and incarceration of nearly 300 local girls.
A 'trophy' abduction - such as that of the First Daughters - would carry a spectacular premium on the actual ransom sum according to an international register of blackmail and abduction cases.
Joe Biden's grandchildren remain at an undisclosed safe house where they receive lessons in karate and Kung fu.