BOW TO YOUR SENSEI, MARSHALL COUNTY, WV -- A local law enforcement official has confirmed what many have feared about transient oil and gas pipeliners -- they are actually a more aggressive rogue sect of 19th century Shaolin monks who like to initiate confrontations by daring others to snatch pebbles from their hands.
They are trained to kill in a thousand and one different ways, and have been wandering the countryside, waiting for a chance to take Ohio Valley jobs, although now with their new Western lifestyles, they also have issues with passing drug screenings.
"They've changed a lot over years, going from peaceful, flute-playing sober spiritualists to rowdy, drunken brawlers with bad-ass dragon tattoos who are armed with an arsenal of weapons more vast than North Korea," said Marshall County Sheriff Kevin Cecil. "Like a combination of Bruce Lee and Aaron Hernandez."
Several violent incidents involving oil and gas workers began in local bars with them challenging patrons to "snatch the pebble from my hand," with the loser paying for the other's drinks.
"And the pipeliners call the other guys 'grasshopper' which kind of sounds like 'a#&hole,' so that really adds to the drama," said Cecil.
The barefoot oil and gas workers also like to cause trouble by going into restaurants and clipping their toenails on the tables.
"We've contacted the health department about that," said Cecil. "A lot of restaurant patrons don't want to sit by them because they end up with this crunchy yellow fungal stuff in their salads. That can easily be mistaken for croutons."
Pipeliners also are hard to track because they don't require any housing accommodations.
"They've trained themselves to sleep standing up, like a horse or a burro," said Cecil. "You might see them sleeping on the side of the road and think they're a statue of Joe Biden."
Cecil said the vagabond workers prefer jobs as astrophysicists, martial arts masters or telemarketers, but will settle for whatever morsel of employment they can get, except internet bloggers.
He also cautions area residents not to antagonize the pipeliners because they can attack both physically and psychologically.
"That mind control shit is more wicked than bath salts or meth," he noted.