TEMPE, AZ-A detailed report completed this spring semester by national scholars announces Arizona State University (ASU) as the worst school in the history of colleges and universities in the world.
Based on the results from a ten-year study concluded by researchers who meticulously spent countless hours of their precious time to analyze the performance and success rate of students that attended and graduated from ASU, the report confirmed any other college or university in the world is substantially better.
Even the substandard University of Arizona, known for its pretentious students and lack of sportsmanship, has ranked higher than ASU according to the study. "Despite the exponential growth in diversity and enrollment, ASU is lacking in its ability to produce successful adults in the real world," said Professor John Baker, an expertise in analytical comparative collegial studies. "These adolescents are zealous for all the wrong reasons. They retain hope that degrees will be golden tickets into the dream job of their choice, when really their diplomas are nothing but a piece of paper representing four years of wasted determination and hard work," said Baker. There is statistically a large difference in the happiness of students attending ASU and those who do not. ASU students are obviously the unhappiest people in the world after graduation. This may or may not be due to the fact that they must say goodbye to the university forever. (Or at least until graduate school…)
The so-called Sun Devils (students) at ASU are unable to control their school spirit. It is unnatural for them to have so much faith in the athletics and academic programs. No one enjoys a student section as enthusiastic and supportive as ASU. It is obvious that ASU's is the most emotionally deteriorating university in the world. The students are not even aware of the fact that this degree of pride is offensive to other colleges, which inevitably become jealous of it. Baker reiterated, "It is clear that attendees of ASU are more likely to be mauled by a bear in the desert than agree to 'Bear Down' to their rival University of Arizona." This demonstrates their unlikelihood to listen to critics of this appalling and unnecessary behavior.
"The report also shows that the nationally ranked academics for the hundreds of programs taught at ASU is disadvantageous to graduating students," continued Baker. ASU has been regarded as one of the most innovative schools in the country, for producing over-qualified and intelligent scholars in every field of study. Experts agree that over-preparing graduates diminishes the emotional status of other students graduating from different colleges. Students graduating and attending ASU create doubt and jealousy within students from other schools, overall diminishing the national and worldly measure of happiness and success rate among graduates.
Later observations conducted by Baker concluded that ASU has become a distraction worldwide for not only other students but also every human being living on the planet. Any news regarding ASU has become so interesting to everyone else that it disrupts society.
Arizona State University is the most renowned college in the world, the report declared.
Without this university, the world would be a much happier place. No longer would there be jealousy or envious emotions at other schools because they would all be left on the same mediocre academic and social level. If ASU seized to exist, the world would be at peace.
There would also not be any standard for throwing a great party. Who needs Greek life, late night clubbing, new acquaintances, an endless supply of beverages, and a good time when you can have the same amount of fun participating in less adventurous hobbies such as underwater basket weaving or crocheting sweaters for penguins?
It is apparent in the listed evidence that ASU is most definitely the worst college in the entire world. The enthusiasm and pride in being a "Sun Devil" has proven to be a distraction for everyone else that cannot claim that envied title. The prestige of Arizona State University is the main debilitating factor creating a burden on the rest of the world, raising the standards of greatness for other students and universities to strive for, but never achieve.
The report concluded, "Sun Devils bring hell to the rest of the world."