TURN LEFT THEN FOLLOW THE BLOOD, WHEELING, WV -- City officials are breathing a sign of relief after determining that a bright orange liquid found flowing onto 29th Street is not a toxic substance, but instead just the blood of Satan.
"Residents have nothing to worry about. We're glad it's not acid mine drainage, or a Sunny Delight spill," said Public Works Director Russell Jebbia.
"After we tested it, we found it was the pulsating lifeblood that courses through the veins of the almighty ruler of the dark underworld, our lord Beelzebub. May we bow our heads."
The wellspring of the unholy god has been running down 29th Street after coming up from beneath the Interstate 470 overpass. The substance has created a bright orange mess on the street and sidewalk, but observers should now feel blessed to have witnessed such a rapturous prophecy.
"A revelation like this comes once in a generation," said Jebbia, who also heads the city's Department of Demonology.
"The last time I can remember seeing it was after the flood of '96, when we found the blood of Lucifer everywhere on The Island, although he has the same blood type as a lot of the transients who live there."
The creator's blood was likely heated by the fires of Hell to such an extent that it formed a warm spring, which made its way to the surface.
"Kind of like when you leave a coffee pot on for too long," said Jebbia.
Tom Badgett, acting District 6 black mass prince of the state Division of Highways, said blood flowing freely in the streets does not foreshadow something cataclysmic, but instead heralds a new dawn.
"His divine message will be obeyed, for tomorrow we start filling potholes."