Written by E. Williams
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Tuesday, 29 April 2014

image for Anderson Cooper Vows to Snorkel Indian Ocean to Find MH370, Boost Ratings
Practicing for the real thing

Atlanta - CNN, in their never ending coverage of the missing Malaysian plane tragedy, thinks they have figured out a way to keep the story interesting, boost ratings, and possibly videotape the disappearance of one of their most beloved personalities.

Jeff Zucker, head of CNN, said that in a recent meeting with his news anchors, CNN broadcaster Anderson Cooper flippantly remarked, "Hell, if it would help ratings, I'd snorkel out there myself and probably have better luck finding that damn plane!"

"I guess he didn't think we would take him seriously," Zucker continued, "But he leaves for Perth on Wednesday. We're going to send him out there with a camera crew in a rowboat and make him stay out there until he finds something."

Cooper is reportedly distraught his boss is taking him up on the remark. He has been denied a shark cage, security team, or any other modern amenities due to low ratings and shrinking revenue at the network.

The dangers of sharks, venomous jellyfish, sunburn, drowning, being run over by another search vessel in the area, or being attacked by Kathy Griffin are all very real. Anderson remarked by telephone, "I really screwed myself this time. I'm secretly praying I get an offer to go to work for another network just to get out of this thing."

Zucker is thrilled with the prospect of high ratings for the stunt. "Anderson is a real team player and I think it's sweet the way he's risking his life for the story. Nothing else has happened around the world since the plane went missing so we have nothing else to report on. I don't know what the hell all those other networks are covering."

Since the announcement of Cooper's assignment, all news anchors at CNN have called in sick on days when Zucker has scheduled brainstorming sessions to kick around ideas for stories to cover.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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