A news conference was held this morning at the Mount Rudhmore National Monument in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Accompanied by two hundred paid "volunteers," bussed in from Chicago, a spokesman for Walmart announced that the site had been purchased by the corporation and henceforth would be named Mount Walmart. As he spoke the figures of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt were draped in huge blue and white "Welcome to Walmart" aprons (made in China) and the "volunteers" cheered, "USA! USA! USA!" The "volunteers" each wore green and white "Welcome to Walmart (made in China) aprons.
One of te new features of the altered monument is a huge stick held by President Teddy Roosevelt commemorating his famous quote, "Walk softly, but always carry a big stick." Visitors can pull on the stick and the huge Rooseverlt Pez dispenser will dispense a pair of fuzzy slippers and confections of all kinds. The rest of the stone figures wil act as the world's largest vending machine.
Admission to the park will remain free.
The festivities closed as the "volunteers" cheered and the Walmart Tabernacle Choir sang the Battle Hym of the Republic.
In related news, journalists from The New York Times and The Washington Post have reported to their newspapers that they swear they could see tears streaming down the stone cheeks of the face of Abraham Lincoln. Walmart, through a spokesman, is veomently denying the report.