Written by E. Williams
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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. "I mean, they're both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren't going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer," the President said.

Flo, the popular face of countless annoying commercials, was able to sleep with a number of high ranking Congressmen and performed numerous sexual acts to get the position while the Gecko stuck to his principles and refused to put out.

In her new position, Flo will not be compensated monetarily. Instead, she will receive a constant supply of her secret "perky pills" without which she reportedly becomes an insufferable bitch.

"I'm so looking forward to bundling health insurance plans and letting people use the 'Name Your Price Tool' on the exchanges. We're going to have fun with this and not be so vile like that Wicked Witch of the West Sebelius!" Flo proclaimed.

"What's been missing from the healthcare industry is wackiness," the bouffanted-one continued, "That's what I bring to the table. Healthcare should be wild, funny and unpredictable. Am I right?"

When asked about her competitor, Mr. Gecko, Flo frowned and said, "Aw, I feel bad for the little guy." Then she looked into the camera, grabbed her crotch and shouted, "Insure THIS, Mr. Gecko!" as she ran off laughing hysterically.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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