Written by Keith Shirey

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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

image for Cardinal Searches For Condoms At 7-11's

Sunday, On National Television, Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York said, "Contraceptives, that are now widely available -- my Lord, all you have to do is walk into a 7-11 or any shop on any street in America and have access to them -- is that right to access those and have them paid for, is that such a towering good that it would suffocate the rights of conscience?"

But MSNBC TV commentator Rachael Maddow disagreed about their easy availability.

Said Maddow, "While 7-Eleven has a lot of what you need on any given day -- beer, Slurpees, taquitos -- do yourself the favor of not walking into your local 7-Eleven and asking them to fit you with an IUD, and if you do know somebody who says they get their birth control pills from 7-Eleven, that probably explains why they have super fresh breath but also elevendy-hundred children."

In order to gain evidence to respond, the Cardinal ordered his limousine to drive all over New York City to find a 7-11 that carried contraceptives. After a futile search of 15 stores his Eminence gave up and returned to his residence losing his usual smug, self-satisfied expression.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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