Written by T. J. Carter
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Tuesday, 22 April 2014

image for Supreme Court Justices Form Heavy Metal Band Called 'SCROTUS'

WASHINGTON-On Monday, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced that he and the other justices will take a break from hearing oral arguments and focus on their music, or as Roberts calls it, "The Pain."

The 5-4 decision came after six months of rehearsals, substance abuse, bloody brawls, and thoughtful deliberation. SCROTUS features Chief Justice Roberts on lead vocals and backup guitar, Justice Alito on lead guitar, Justice Scalia on bass, Justice Kennedy on "the skins," and Justice Thomas on the clarinet.

"By now it should be clear that the Court wishes to dismantle the federal government," Chief Justice Roberts writes in the 63-page majority opinion. "We have decided to hasten the process by suspending normal Court activities and bringing the thunder to cities across America."

A large portion of the opinion discusses the significance of the name "SCROTUS," which Roberts insists stands for "Supreme Court Rebels of the United States." Roberts makes no reference to male genitalia in his explanation.

"SCROTUS combines the growling rage of Cannibal Corpse with the cautious conservatism of the Hughes Court," says Justice Thomas. "Also, the clarinet brings a level of metal that the genre hasn't heard before."

"Abandoning the Court and starting a heavy metal band is not conducive to good governance," writes Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her dissenting opinion. "I'm more of a post-punk justice, myself."

On the same day the decision was handed down, the conservative justices released an EP titled "SCROTUS OPERANDI," which includes tracks titled "Woe v. Raid," "Dead Scott," and "Brown v. Horde of Damnation." They also announced that their "Approach the Stench" national tour will visit 26 cities in the U.S. and Canada.

"We're pretty into puns," says Justice Antonin Scalia. "And darkness. Puns and darkness."

While the five conservative justices go on tour, Justices Kagan, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor will perform as their 50s-style doo-wop group, "The Supremes Court." Justice Breyer says he will dress in drag and showcase his queercore one-man band, simply called "SCIRT."

"Getting out of this robe will give me a chance to show off my sick tatts," says Justice Scalia. "I have one of Jesus bleeding oil onto the Bill of Rights. It's very metal, I assure you."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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