Washington, D.C. - On Friday, President Obama pushed back making a decision on the long debated Keystone XL Pipeline until after the upcoming 2014 midterm elections. Worried about upsetting his core constituencies, Mr. Obama decided that while he had his pen and phone out would make a few other executive decisions as well.
Since it was too late to do anything about Easter, the President decided to push the observances of Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day back to the middle of November and after the election.
"The way I figure it, uh, if the Democrats win, the country will have half the month of November off, counting Thanksgiving, uh, to celebrate!" the White House said in a statement. "And if we lose, well, we won't care about ruining all those, uh, rich Republicans summer vacations at that point anyway. Hell, if we lose, I uh might just cancel them altogether."
It's not all bad news though. Mr. Obama actually extended the Cinco de Mayo holiday to five days to pander to the Hispanic voting bloc and threatened to jack with Daylight Savings Time, scheduled to end just days before the election, just because he could. "Fall Back, my ass!" the President joked, "Not if we don't have the votes to keep the Senate!"
Democrats across the country were buoyed by the power their leader was showing after the move on Friday. House Minority leader, Nancy Pelosi boasted, "First, he moved Obamacare deadlines back until after the election, then the pipeline, and now this. It's energizing to know the President has the power to change time, space and whatever else he wants to until after the election! I'm thankful our Founding Fathers included these powers for the Executive Branch when they wrote the Magna Carta."