Written by Dan H.
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Topics: Food, Americans

Saturday, 22 November 2003

ALBERTA, CANADA- With the onset of Thanksgiving in its shadow, the West Alerta based Food Products Medical Centre has uncovered something that could affect millions of Thanksgiving practitioners and turkey enthusiasts alike, e-turkoli (pronounced e-turk-o-lie). Closely related to the more common beef related e-coli, e-turkoli embeds itself in a person's lower liver. Just as someone would contract e-coli from undercooked or raw beef products, e-turkoli is contracted through cooked turkey. This startles doctors who have been frantically studying the mysterious disease.

"Everyone will be fine, "Ph.D. Donald Flogger, 53, of the Food Products Medical Centre, reiterates, "Well, everyone that does not eat cooked turkey. We have been working day and night trying to concoct an antidote, but we are getting nowhere. I guess that working on sleep deprivation and digesting mass amounts of Mountain Dew Code Red, caffeine pills, and Columbian coffee does not help much. I can't keep my hand steady when I'm trying to do my lab work."

Common symptoms are the same as e-coli: Atomic diarrhoea, you think your stomach is talking to you because it grumbles so loud, and all the other gruesome symptoms.

When questioned about the steps to take if e-turkoli has been contracted, Ph.D. Flogger diligently responded, "Dumb Bastard. He must have shit for brains. Either shit or rainbow Jello."

E-turkoli has been described by some as the next Bubonic Plague and others go as far as saying the Apocalypse. Parishes nation wide have been holding around the clock masses for the potential e-turkoli victims and the American Red Cross has prepared shelters where the expected hopeless survivors can stay.

They're people who dismiss the whole e-turkoli scare. As famed National Football League ex-coach and television personality John Madden puts it, "Horseshit, concocted by the want to-be United States Citizens [Canadians]." Madden, 67, annually celebrates the American custom, Thanksgiving, with his six-legged turkey who he alone devours. Besides creating an apparent health issue, Madden says it's the principals of Thanksgiving that count. He continued saying that "I will eat my turkey. Damned be those Canadians. Just because Canadian football is for faggots and potato farmers does not mean that they can ruin my holiday." Many other Americans share the same sediment as Madden and refuse to not eat cooked turkey.

It has also been rumoured that after the stubborn Americans eat themselves to death, Canada will assert itself as a global superpower. Taking over the remaining American population with hired mercenaries from the Bikini Islands, where in the 1950's the American government used their "paradise" as a testing ground for nuclear weapons and angering the native Bikini's for all eternity. They would supress the remaining American contingent and force them to work crappy low-paying jobs, just as the Canadians did since the birth of time.

America get ready for Queen Elizabeth Day and "Oh Canada."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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