Written by Winston Smith
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Tuesday, 8 April 2014

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Lunatic Miner Hits Motherlode

Tiger Woods' ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, has been involuntarily committed to the state mental hospital for stealing a bulldozer and attempting to raze the $12.3 million estate she purchased after her divorce settlement from the 14-time major winner.

Several months ago Nordegren was denied a demolition permit for the 17,000-square-foot home, located in the Seminole Indian Landing development near North Palm Beach, according to the Palm Beach Gazzette.

In his decision denying the permit, the judge stated that a person would have to be certifiably insane to destroy twelve million dollars worth of human labor unless there was a war going on.

Nordegren was then heard to remark under her breath,"Ya vant vun ya got vun."

Two days after her demolition permit was denied Nordegren enrolled in a crash-course on heavy equipment operation at the local vocational college.

The instructor there voiced his concerns to the assorted feral agencies that a woman in his class was only interested in how to demolish things. He said that she had no interest in how to move piles of compost around the state capitol or how to parallel-park on a congested construction site. The instructor said that his concerns fell on deaf ears and that the only sign-language he knew got him arrested the last time he used it.

Late Tuesday evening, after dropping out of the class, Nordegren paid a crack-head to hotwire a bulldozer on a construction site. Nordegren then began driving the bulldozer across town toward her beautiful mansion.

Fortunately, Officer Vye Agrah was stunned by the beauty of the blonde gold-digger as she drove past his speed-trap. The official report states that "I initiated the vehicle stop after observing that the young lady was not wearing her seat-belt. I then placed the young lady in custody after hearing the all-points bulletin report of a caterpillar being stolen from the Insectorium at the Museum of Natural History."

Nordegren contested the officer's version of events claiming that he only pulled her over to coerce her into playing that old sailor's game of "Blow The Man Down" which she said she refused because "police officers earn less than seven figures".

At her commitment hearing on Thursday the judge declared her to be certifiably insane and to be remanded in three months to the state psychiatric hospital until such time she is willing to play old sailor's games and renounces her right to drive heavy equipment.

The 32-year-old hottie ended her six-year marriage to Woods in August 2010 amid numerous reports of his inflexibility and has custody of their two children.

She was reported to have mined a $97.5 million motherlode in the divorce agreement.

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