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Tuesday, 8 April 2014

image for Pope Francis Will Clean Up, Not Shut Down Vatican Bank

The Vatican bank is to stay in business despite speculation Pope Francis might close down the scandal-plagued institution, according to the latest report.

After months of investigation and consultation, the Vatican announced the pope had opted for a reform plan instead.

"Those responsible must repent and change and come to me as we can work this thing out", he stated.

Pope Francis stated that the bank was not as bad off as feared and after he received the final report that only a few bigwigs were involved, he stated that if they would come to him, he would forgive but demand any moneys taken to be returned or whatever portion they can.

"I want them to know that they have sinned there is forgiveness in my heart."

The bank has as its central business in the management of cash deposited by Catholic religious institutions and members of the clergy. But its offshore status has been central to a string of scandals and controversies.

"If there are any others guilty, now is the time to come forward. Else you'll be struck down by lightning. Just kidding."

The statement also stated the IOR would continue to "serve with prudence". It added that strict regulatory supervision and improvements in compliance and transparency were critical for the institute's future.

But it said Francis recognised "the importance of the Institute for the Works of Religion's mission for the good of the Catholic church, the Holy See and the Vatican city state".

"I think this will help Catholics everywhere feel better about the serious problem", stated one official.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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