Buoyed by the phenomenal success of the top-secret federal court that oversees government surveillance, President Obama, in a bold executive move, recently instituted another special court, this one devoted exclusively to the interpretation of campaign finance legislation. The new court, which Obama formally designated the "Supremest Court," is now the highest court in the land.
"It's like the Supreme Court, but better," the president explained. "And unlike the surveillance court, this one's not secret. It's too supreme to be kept a secret."
The first judicial act of the Supremest Court justices (whose identities are, however, secret) was to overturn a controversial Supreme Court decision allowing for unlimited donor contributions to political campaigns.
"Constitutionally, it was a flawed decision," summarized President Obama, who, as a former constitutional law professor, ought to know.
"The Supreme Court's reasoning was largely on target with regard to Democratic campaigns. For that reason, the portion of the opinion allowing for unlimited contributions to Democratic political campaigns was upheld. And in addition, caps on donations to individual Democratic candidates like, for instance, me, were also lifted."
But according to President Obama, the rationale behind the Supreme Court's authorization of unlimited contributions to other political party campaigns, like those of the Repubican, Green, and Independent parties, was problematic.
"That part just wasn't fair. So it's out," the president assured his well-heeled constituents.
Obama added that he'd contemplated simply suing the Supreme Court for its misplaced legal analysis, but ultimately concluded that a new court, which would be even better than the - in his view - not-so-Supreme Court, was the better way to go.
"We've long been in glaring need of campaign finance reform and reform of our entire judicial system," he declared. "This was a start."
Obama expressed particular appreciation that the Supremest Court decision, which has since come to be referred to as ObamaFair, applies not only prospectively but also retroactively, allowing Democrats, like Obama, to collect unlimited contributions for past campaigns, as well as for ongoing political races.
Most crucially, however, ObamaFair will prevent egregious donation-related political upsets in future elections.
"Can you imagine Bernie Sanders being able to collect billions upon billions of dollars in campaign contributions in 2016?" the president asked rhetorically. "Thanks to the Supremest Court, that will never happen."