Written by Catchthisdrift
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Wednesday, 2 April 2014

image for Local Worker Says Man In Next Cube Talks Loud - Worried About Disease
Building containing Worple's office

Office Park, NJ (New York Times) - Christina Worple, 38, an accountant who works in a local office building, says the person who sits in the cubicle next to her talks very loudly and often makes personal noises that she can hear clearly.

Ms. Worple, who prefers to keep her employer anonymous, said that she "can tell you many details about" her office-neighbor's life because he makes no attempts to quiet his voice and never takes a 'conversational walk' to find privacy when talking on his cell phone.

Says Worple, "he has polyps in his bung hole. That's what he said... polyps in his bung hole. He didn't even say anus, which is the more medical term. Either way, I don't need to know that."

Ms. Worple also insists she can hear the man flatulate and then laugh about it. She says the flatulations range from little squeaks, which can come at any time during the day, to psychologically-disturbing blubbering noises that occur most frequently, according to Worple, during afternoons when the cafeteria had chili as the special of the day.

"It's like he thinks he's the only one here. Or he just doesn't care about anyone else. When I need to make a phone call I walk to a conference room or out in the hallway," said Worple. She continued "and if I have to burp, I do it quietly, under my breath, so I don't disturb anyone. And I never pass wind at work. That just isn't proper."

During our interview of Worple for this article, she became visibly shaken and upset and asked us "can you catch polyps from someone flatulating? I mean, could he pass wind and send polyps into my cube like a virus?" As we exited her cubicle, Worple had donned a World War I-era gas mask and was Googling "airborne polyps."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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