On the original deadline date for enrolling in Obamacare, HHS Secretary Sebelius revealed today a new health plan today which provides another economical option to the Platinum, Gold, Silver, and Bronze health plans previously defined. In accord with the established naming scheme and reflecting its respective actuarial value, it is called the Toxic Lead Plan. Here is a summary of coverage criteria for those under the provisions of the low-cost Toxic Lead Plan:
Patients must be in a non-ambulatory state, preferably crawling on the ground with impaired limb functionality.
Patients will be admitted to a hospital only in a "non-patient, prepped for scientific research status."
Patients must pay "out-of-pocket" for any drugs needed to get them through their hospital stay as a "scientific research subject."
Intensive psychological counseling is available on a cash-up-front basis for those who survive "post-experimental intrusive procedures" solely at the Joseph Mengele Institute for Mental Re-engineering.
Rehabilitative services, such as relearning the alphabet after an inadvertent frontal lobotomy, are covered after a $25,000 deductible amount.
Laboratory test fees are covered for patients who spend a minimum of 48 hours trying to find their way through the series of B. F. Skinner Memorial Mazes.
Veterinarian treatments are available at a discount for those patients who have been properly wormed and deflea-ed.
Wellness sustainabillity, i.e., never ever getting ill and having an injury, is highly encouraged for those enrolled in the Toxic Lead Plan.
Interest in the Toxic Lead Plan is expected to be overwhelming, so applicants are urged to get in the Obamacare web-site queue right away, because the waiting time is expected to be exponential.