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Monday, 31 March 2014

Inglewood, CA (Washington Post) - the Drug Abuse Resistance Eduction program, D.A.R.E. or simply DARE as it is ubiquitously known, announced today that it expects 2014 to be its most successful year ever.

DARE is an educational outreach program intended to help prevent the use of controlled drugs (both legal and illegal), prevent kids from getting involved in gangs, and prevent violent behavior in general. DARE is a "demand side" program, meaning it works to keep people from wanting drugs or to be involved in gangs, rather than trying to fight the supply of drugs or to eliminate existing gangs. Participants in DARE - primarily children in grades 5th through 12th, sign a pact that says they agree to not do drugs or join gangs.

DARE's current president and CEO, Francisco X Pegueros, said "this year, we think we might actually keep a kid who has access to drugs from using those drugs!"

According to independent statistics, since its inception in 1984 DARE has had incredible success keeping kids off drugs when those kids didn't have access to popular recreational drugs like marijuana, or whose grandparents were responsible with their prescription drugs. Said one drug-free teen "none of the kids I know use marijuana, and the ones who I think might do it won't talk to me, so, I can't buy some. They just stuff me in my locker. So I haven't used marijuana one single time since I signed the DARE pledge! Plus, grandma and poppy never leave their prescriptions just lying around." Said another teen from the same high school, "yeah, I signed that DARE thing, so did all my buds. It was cool - we didn't have to have algebra that day. After school we went to the park and got totally stoned."

Said Pegueros, "we here at DARE believe that this is the year that we have a child sign the pledge to not do drugs, after which he'll have access to drugs, and he'll decide not to use them! We are so excited!"

DARE was started in 1984 as an element of "The War On Drugs." That is the same time-frame as the infinitely useless "Just Say No" campaign. Since the DARE program has been forced down the throats of local schools via political pressure, tens of thousands of kids have signed the DARE pledge, every one of whom did recreation drugs when given the opportunity, and/or joined violent gangs in order to fit in and have easier access to drugs.

A unexpected side-effect of "The War On Drugs" program, and specifically the "Just Say No" television commercials featuring President Ronald Regan's wife Nancy, is that the majority of people graduating from college in the 1980s can't stand even the thought of Nancy Regan. Although, it should be noted, getting totally high does help.

The DARE program has spread internationally and has had similar success as in the United States.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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