Washington D.C. - As the United States Federal government is about to run out of cash, our sources report that the FDA and the EPA are about to re-launch aspartame as a vitamin.
In the light of a recent study showing that aspartame kills women (men were not studied) one trillion dollars was budgeted to launch a campaign of billboards, text-messages, voice mails, T.V. ads, radio ads, cell phone tower direct to brain broadcasts, pod-casts, sky-writer plane messages, proselytizing zombies, hypnotic suggestions placed on cereal boxes (millions of people stare stupidly at these boxes while half-awake and fattening themselves on aspartame laced cattle feed), and even gypsies and prostitutes trained to "sell" aspartame to a sick, polluted, and slovenly consumer. Dr. Onesthay, of the F.D.A. leaked this story this morning when he visited our editorial offices.
This story was also confirmed by the Mafia who lent the money to the feds. What's their angle? "Hey, aspartame is a great way to rub people out without any fear of prosecution. So forget about it!", according to our wise-guy source Jimmy the Freak of Newark.