Written by Frank Michaels
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Monday, 31 March 2014

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La Brea Tar Pits Spa and Convention Center

(STT News) - Sunday's 4.8 magnitude earthquake in Yellowstone National Park has rattled some who worry about the slumbering super-volcano and its potential for a massive eruption. However, at this morning's press briefing at the La Brea Tar Pits Spa and Convention Center, the National Park Service spokesperson sought to quell concerns by saying, "When it happens, it happens. There's not a thing we can do to stop it so, why worry?"

If and/or when such an eruption should occur, most of North America west of the Mississippi River and north of southern Texas, will be covered in ash. "The sky will become black as night with soot and smoke, creating something similar to a nuclear winter."

Following the initial briefing, the media ensemble were led on a tour of how one might someday sink into some tar only to be found tens of thousands of years later, fairly well preserved. Several older, well-known news network personalities seemed quite interested in the concept and would attend the Jacuzzi seminar later that evening.

Quasi-Geologist, Penelope Pitstop of the National Center for Earthy Desk'perts (NCED) addressed the soaked audience saying, "California could be in for several more rude quivers in the near future. Yellowstone could blow its stack as well. Of course, we don't tell you this because, well... we just don't know and you would worry because we don't. The media and general public can't know that we don't know so we say things that make us look like we do know and then, you think you know, too, and feel all better again."

Ms. Pitstop then rolled back to wet her hair with a smile.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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