Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 10 November 2006

Ed Bradley, reporter for the CBS Newsmagazine 60 minutes, passed away due to complications from leukemia. Bradley had been with the show for over 25 years and was the only reporter to interview Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh before his execution.

When asked to comment on the passing of longtime colleague at 60 minutes, Andy Rooney released the following statement:

"Ed Bradly is gone. Another of the old guard at sixty minutes has left us. Mike Wallace is old. Morley Safer is old. I'm old. Steve Kroft is still a young guy. I can's say whether Lesley Stahl is old or not, because you're just not allowed to say that about a woman. Let's just say that she's younger than me but older than Steve.

Did you ever notice that Ed had an earring? I don't have one myself. I think they look kind of ridiculous on a man, especially when you've got one in your tongue and another in your nose or lip or eyebrow. I'd never do that. When I see them on young people, I want to ask if they have a matching purse and shoes to go with them. Did you ever notice that most men used to wear only one, but now they are wearing two. I wonder why? It did look good on Ed, however. He's the only man I know who ever looked normal with an earring.

How come Ed got to wear a beard on the show and make it look good? I can't imagine Mike or Morley or Steve, or even Lesley with a beard looking good. I know when I haven't shaved for a few days, I look really scruffy or unkempt. Ed was one of those guys who could make a beard look really good. He also could look good without a beard.

We had a tribute show earlier this year for Mike Wallace. We didn't get a chance to make one for Ed before he died. It wasn't racial or anything like that, we were just lazy and didn't really know or want to believe he was dying. Maybe now we'd better make one. Ed deserved it.

Did you ever notice that I tend to ramble a lot in my five minutes at the end of the show and could have probably said everything important in just thirty seconds? Ed Bradley was concise with his stories, but probably deserved more time. He wasn't the type to complain, though. If his story had to be five minutes shorter so that I could come on at the end and talk about the color of aspirin bottle labels, he never minded.

Well, that's my thoughts on Ed Bradley. We're gonna have to replace him now. I wonder if they'll hire someone young or if it will be another old guy. Hey, maybe Dan Rather or Walter Cronkite would come back!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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