MENLO PARK, CA--God, deluged with intercessory prayers since the dawn of social media, has outsourced prayer to Facebook to give Him more time to devote to His new hobby, scrapbooking.
Explained St. Peter, at a press conference held at Facebook's corporate headquarters in Menlo Park, California, "From now on, when you ask someone to pray for you or a relative or your pet due to illness, bad luck, or worms, your prayer will be directly re-routed to Facebook, where your friends who read your request there can simply like or not like your petition. Once your petition reaches one thousand 'Likes,' God will then decide whether or not your prayer is worth responding to. God will also consider, in place of 'like,' the comments 'Praying!!!!' or 'Done!!!!,' but only if they have three or more exclamation marks after them."
Following St. Peter's press conference Joel Osteen, the televangelist beloved the world over by people who believe God loves successful Christians like themselves, announced, "I'm going to be offering my new Heavenly App, which allows you, for a small donation to Joel Osteen Ministries, to access my tens of thousands of viewers to 'like' any prayer request you make during my weekly telecast on Sunday. Now pull out that credit card and repeat after me, 'God loves me and will make me successful and comfortable if I go to the Joel Osteen Ministries website and contribute $100.00 right now! In fact, if I contribute immediately, I will receive a large amount of money within twenty-five minutes. But if I fail to respond within twenty-five minutes, I'll lose something worth keeping."
Pope Francis, on hearing of the new app, reportedly shook his head sadly and was heard to murmur, "Idiots!"