Written by Patrick Parkinson
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Tuesday, 18 March 2014

image for Edward Snowden roundhouse kicks his way out of US embassy

The hall of the US embassy in Beijing is littered with bruised bodies. A vase lies smashed on the floor, accompanied by the faint sound of US CIA agents groaning in pain and holding their stomachs. This is the aftermath of a daring escape from whistleblower Edward Snowden who had been avoiding the grasp of US intelligence since he revealed state secrets on television some months ago.

Snowden had been taken into custody at the embassy and placed in a small room with his hands bound. "He said nothing" said one unnamed CIA agent. "We asked him questions but he didn't reply, next thing you know he had somehow unpicked his handcuffs and karate chopped me in the throat."

Snowden then escaped into the hall where a crowd of security guards reportedly had attempted to pin him down and inject him with a sleeping drug.

"That's when he just lost it" said onlooker Phillipo Song. "His face turned red and he was knocking out thugs left, right and centre with punches and kicks. He then surveyed the chaos and snapped the syringe in two. He then cooly muttered something under his breath, It was said quietly but it sounded like some sort of syringe-based punch line. Unfortunately I didn't hear it."

Snowden was last sighted on a nearby busy bridge hurling himself onto a passing truck that was driving past below, hitching a ride to another hideout.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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